Heart-Healthy Tip: Don't Have Gotten Shot In Heart With Bullet

News and notes from a busy first month of Two Thousand and Ate.

The government said today that everyone's gonna get free money.  $600 worth of it.  That'll be nice for all sorts of people.  Gamblers can use it gamble the money.  Drug users can use it to buy more drugs to do.  Moms can use it to buy Jif and Kix, two mom-approved food items.  Personally, I think I might save up for a couple of these.

There's been a lot of finger-pointing when it comes to the war in Iraq, but there's been a WHOLE LOT MORE shooting and bombing.  Trust me.

Remember way back in 2002 when we all thought cars would be hovering to destinations, we'd have microchips in our bodies, and we would watch TV through a pair of glasses?  God, were we fucking wrong.

What's with the phrase "handle with kid gloves"?  It's supposed to mean "be gentle" or something, but it makes no sense.  Kids wear kid gloves.  They're usually clumsy and haven't developed coordination yet to handle such delicate matters.  I'd only assume that the gloves would make things even worse.  Now imagine you're a full-grown adult trying to wear kid gloves.  That's ridiculous.  The gloves don't fit, you must acquit, and whatever you try to grab would probably fall through your grip.  If something is a hot topic, I think it makes figurative sense to handle it with a hot pad or oven mit, similar items to gloves.  Why not handle the situation with lotion?  Lotion is typically soothing and heals dry skin.  Personally, if I were faced with such phrasing, I would change to "handle with towels".  Towels can act as a barrier from heat, they are big enough to deal with larger situations, are warm and soft when fresh out of the dryer, dry you off when you don't want to be wet anymore, lay underneath hot girls in bikinis on the beach, and come in all different colors.  So, seriously, next time your daughter comes home drunk, crying from a fight with her boyfriend, and threatening to run away from home, handle with towels, or ground her.

Double Stuff Racing League.

Finally, you shouldn't try and lynch Tiger Woods.  You should try and nicely ask him for golf tips.  He's smart about that.  Lynching only results in death, racial tension, murder trials, jail time, etc.  Take the high road (I-74 Eastbound) and be nice this time, ok?