Ringside Report

From our correspondent Ben Neitzel:

Desperate to be a Wolf Pack member, Disco Inferno tried a run-in. Goldberg Speared him out of the ring. Out of nowhere, Bam Bam Bigelow side-swiped the champ. Goldberg retaliated clotheslining Bigelow over the top rope and to the floor. Dressed as event security in a yellow T-shirt, Scott Hall climbed onto the ring apron. Meanwhile the referee admonished Bigelow and Disco. 

As Goldberg tried to pull Hall into the ring, the Lone Wolf zapped the champ with a shock stick (taser) to the chest and shoulders. Goldberg fell twitching to the mat. Unaware of Hall's interference, Nash scooped Goldberg off the canvass and completed a Jack Knife Powerbomb to win the WCW World Heavyweight Title. Goldberg convulsed on the arena floor as Nash raised the belt high.

Goldberg's Win Streak Ended in Stunning Fashion

Scott Hall stunned him with a taser.

I can do 8 pushups. How many can you do?

These are things I want to buy with my $600 check from the US government United States.

1. iPhone.  You can download computers onto those things.

2. Shoes.  Those are pretty nice ones.

3. 1990 Donruss Ken Griffey, Jr. baseball card.  Remember when we used to put these in our bicycle spokes?

4. A razor.  For shaving.

5. A ferret.  An especially cuddly pet to have around the house.

6. $1000 bill.  I figure if I can buy one of these, I'm showing some good investment skillz.

Heart-Healthy Tip: Don't Have Gotten Shot In Heart With Bullet

News and notes from a busy first month of Two Thousand and Ate.

The government said today that everyone's gonna get free money.  $600 worth of it.  That'll be nice for all sorts of people.  Gamblers can use it gamble the money.  Drug users can use it to buy more drugs to do.  Moms can use it to buy Jif and Kix, two mom-approved food items.  Personally, I think I might save up for a couple of these.

There's been a lot of finger-pointing when it comes to the war in Iraq, but there's been a WHOLE LOT MORE shooting and bombing.  Trust me.

Remember way back in 2002 when we all thought cars would be hovering to destinations, we'd have microchips in our bodies, and we would watch TV through a pair of glasses?  God, were we fucking wrong.

What's with the phrase "handle with kid gloves"?  It's supposed to mean "be gentle" or something, but it makes no sense.  Kids wear kid gloves.  They're usually clumsy and haven't developed coordination yet to handle such delicate matters.  I'd only assume that the gloves would make things even worse.  Now imagine you're a full-grown adult trying to wear kid gloves.  That's ridiculous.  The gloves don't fit, you must acquit, and whatever you try to grab would probably fall through your grip.  If something is a hot topic, I think it makes figurative sense to handle it with a hot pad or oven mit, similar items to gloves.  Why not handle the situation with lotion?  Lotion is typically soothing and heals dry skin.  Personally, if I were faced with such phrasing, I would change to "handle with towels".  Towels can act as a barrier from heat, they are big enough to deal with larger situations, are warm and soft when fresh out of the dryer, dry you off when you don't want to be wet anymore, lay underneath hot girls in bikinis on the beach, and come in all different colors.  So, seriously, next time your daughter comes home drunk, crying from a fight with her boyfriend, and threatening to run away from home, handle with towels, or ground her.

Double Stuff Racing League.

Finally, you shouldn't try and lynch Tiger Woods.  You should try and nicely ask him for golf tips.  He's smart about that.  Lynching only results in death, racial tension, murder trials, jail time, etc.  Take the high road (I-74 Eastbound) and be nice this time, ok?

Heath Ledger Autopsy Reveals Australian Lineage

What a depressing week so far, and it's only Tuesday.

1. The Bears got knocked out of the NFL playoffs.

2. The Oscars were announced this morning; and the biggest snub: The New Indiana Jones Movie.

3. Cloverfield is a horrible, horrible movie.  But I enjoyed it.  I thought it was cool.  

4. Temperatures in our area were below freezing.  That means you could've put a glass of water outside, and in the morning it would've been a GLASS OF ICE!  That's fucking cold!  That's like being inside a freezer.

5. The best player in the NBA basketball league is Ricky Davis, and he's not even trying anymore.  Trade him to a good team please.  Like San Antonio.  Straight up for Ginobli.  Same position almost.

And worst of all:

6. I found out they're re-releasing Michael Jackson's "Thriller" album in honor of the 25th anniversary if its debut.  That's nice, but the updates include remixes from will.i.am.  Gay.  It's just gay.  Stop it.

I hope a hurricane rolls through soon.  Since they go alphabetically, and alternate boy/girl, it should go like this:

Andre

Beatrice

Carl

Deanna

Erixander

Fraulein

Gerhardt

Hannah Montana

Ian

Jan

Karl

Lo

Marquez

Nancy

Oz

Placemat

Queer

Rosalina

Stud

Tracy

Ub´e

Valeriencia

Walter

X-ray

Yay!

Zach

2008!

San Francisco tiger attack ruled accidental, hilarious.

This year is lame so far.  Rex is about to make his way as a backup on some "other" team.  Bands I liked a year ago are showing up in car commercials and candy commercials.  The Tonebenders haven't played a live show in I don't know how long.  It's cold.  Eli beating Brady is the only thing possibly making watching the Super Bowl worthwhile.  Kobe is probably the only bright spot.  Silly rapester.

So that makes me want to make something.  Not another awesome TV show.  Not another awesome weblog.  Not another baby.

Music.

We have no talent, only a large batch of "better-than-you-idness" which can go far in this day and age (day = Sunday, age = 28).

Listen for it.  It's cumming.