Don't Flood On Me

Remember that scene in Home Alone where the robbers turned on all the faucets in that one house?  I think that's what happened in Cedar Rapids.  Only they did it in like at least 4 houses this time.

Give me a milk.....chocolate.....on fire.

Browsed the internet today on my computer and saw a story on the cnn.com about a fire at Universal Studios.  Sadly, this fire took with it much of the set of "Back to the Future".  If I've said it once, I've said it at least once: NEVER BUILD YOUR MOVIE SETS BY FIRES!

I recently saw a couple bands live in person.  I don't call Mobius Band a band cause they sucked.  But I did see Black Kids and Cut Copy.  They were both fun.  I predict Black Kids will take the world by storm.  And ain't it funny that my favorite song of theirs is HURRICANE JANE!?  Huh?  Get it!?  You hear that Hurricane Hugo!?  Take it!  Let me see the Twelves remix you, yeah!

I'm in a summer mood.  Usually summer makes me think of sun and heat and pools.  What does summer make you think of?

The new "in" thing to do nowadays is to put rubber bands on your legs, like around your calf muscles.  I actually haven't seen this done, nor have I heard about it.  Just trust me on this.

Everyone is in awe of this Lakers/Celtics series that starts in a few days.  Why?  It's not that exciting.  I mean, they played a few times already this year.  Not to mention all those times they've played each other the past few years.  And if you turn the clock back far enough you'll find out that they played in the NBA Finals against each other a few times in the 1980s.  Sounds pretty monotonous to me.  Some similarities I've found comparing those 1980s teams to the 2008 versions:  Both Laker teams have a guy with AIDS (Magic / Farmar) and both Celtic teams have a black guy on them (Parrish / Garnett).  Well, maybe this WILL be an interesting series!

Lakers in 5.

To all dem haterz.

5 things to live by this week:

1. "Take things in stride."  This means steal while walking, non-stop.

2. "Keep your chin up."  Works well when getting a haircut.

3. "Enjoy life."  You might die, so this is a good idea.

4. "Eat your vegetables and fruits and vegetables."  An apple a day can't help against AIDS though, no matter what they say.

5. "Always go for 2."  Applies in football, basketball, hockey, racing, fishing, Olympics, and life.

TOP TENS OF 2006!

I'm bored.  Let me do some top __ lists.  Numbers will vary.

Top News Stories of 2008!

1. The lady that got hit in the head by a manta ray.  It's so freakish that it's not funny.  Just amazing.  Wilt scoring 100 points in one game is amazing, and so is this.

2. The Patriots going 19-0.

3. The Atari Jaguar makes a comeback.  A new, downloadable hack lets you hook up your old Jaguar to your new Nintendo Wii, allowing you to play all your old games with a Wiimote.

Top Movies of 2008!

1. There's Gonna Be Some Blood (DVD)

2. Deal (Movie) - This might end up being the worst movie I see in a long time, and I'm excited.  Anything to get Vince and Mike on the big screen.  I raise.

Top Internet Gemstones of 2008!

1. Use this trendy link to plan your next trip!

2. Found these guys on YouTube randomly.  So freaking stupid and hilarious at the same time.  Most of the rest of their stuff sucks, but this clip is great.

3. Did you know you can buy this on amazon.com!?!?  For only 6 bucks!  Eww, and it's "rigid" too.

4. Speaking of buying, anyone wanna go in and help buy this AVAILABLE domain name???

Top 2 Colors of 2008!

1. Apricot.

2. Gray.

Top Picture of 2008!

Only 110 more days till Christmas.

I gave up one of my favorite jokes the other day, and I don't know how I feel about it.  I know a guy and this other guy who do a podcast.  I posed a "question" to them, which just happens to be a running "gag" among my oval of friends.  The question:

"Can you assassinate a baby?"

Of course it made the podcasters giggle and discuss and wax philosophical.  I chuckled that they were talking about something I talk about a lot.  But it didn't feel right.  I wasn't hearing my usual friends talking back.  I have a very tight-knit oval.  I was somewhat jealous too that these guys were doing a podcast and Z and I haven't started ours yet (ever).

But who cares.  These topics aren't meant for podcasts or webcams or internet TV shows that will soon take off and become all the RAGE.  They're meant for me and the others I care to talk to in a public place.  We've got more topics.  Many more.  Sonic abortions?  T-Rex fighting?  Pringles Field Goal Kicking?  Cum Sideburns?  How many people here have AIDS?  etc.  (that's the best use of etc. ever, write it down or type it up).

The only way you're going to hear these jokes...  you know what... they're not even jokes.  They're the truth.  And fuck you, we're not going to tell you.  You'll have to eavesdrop next time you see three dudes coloring a picture at a bar all by themselves.

"Nice cleavage woman.  Are there any grey crayons over by you?  I need to make a top hat."

--Coming soon to the Twin Cities near you.

Masters recap

Get buck get buck.  Get buck get buck get buck.

I'm back.  (tomorrow).

ALERT!

LOCKDOWN!

Super Nintendo Sega Genesis.

I'm posting this from a widget.  It's true.



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first post.

(something clever)-iPodcast.

I spent all weekend dousing myself in gasoline.  In this case, gasoline is a metaphor for boredom and feathers.

I needed a project.  It's been 5 (yes 5) years since le /backslash debuted.  4 years to the month since the cliffhanger of season one.  I've had nothing NOTHING creative to do in that time frame.  I've made DJ mixes which were received with lukewarm shrugs, but that's ok.  It'll get better.  I'm crafting le perfect blog-mix as we speak.  Promise.

Butt there's more.  Z and I will win the 48 hour film festival this summer.  That's a fucking promise.  If we don't win it'll be because we entered two films and our other film won instead.

So you've got two Hammer brothers, two men over the height of 6'2", oozing pride, trophies, and juices.  Throw in a couple new iPerrd Terrches, and that's a recipe for disaster.  Just add water and self-promoting podcast.

Yes.  Podcast futures await you.

Bet on it.  Like it was the first face card you've seen all night...

And hold on. And hold tight.

Britney?

More like Bratney.

They're getting the band back together...

I'll take these 9 against your 9 any day.

Missle Destroys Satellite, Kid from War Games Blamed.

Get me a WOPR!

Random thoughts for a Thursday night.

==> The NBA trade deadline came and went.  Tony Kukoc didn't get traded ANYWHERE this year.  The fuck is all that about?

==> I'm trying my damnedest to keep up with the political dealings of campaign season.  But all this talk of delegates and Superdelegates and Superdelegates: Turbo and Superdelegates: Tournament Edition have me all confused.  If I were in charge I'd just pick one person from each side and then vote.

==> The Lindsay Lohan/Marilyn Monroe/Nude photos have created quite a buzz this week.  I saw a few of them onlines, and they're pretty nice.  I mean, if you're into that sort of thing (girls).

==> State legislators in Iowa are debating on whether or not to ban smoking in all public establishments, including restaurants.  Kind of a big deal around here.  Personally, I don't like to have other people smoke around me while I'm out to eat.  But I do love to eat smoked turkey sandwiches, which puts me in kind of a pickle.  I don't like pickles on my sandwich though.  Maybe just a little mayonnaise, some lettuce perhaps, and that's all.  I'd go with a wheat bun or bread.  Try to keep it healthy, you know?  Maybe have a little cottage cheese on the side, some potato chips, and a nice glass of lemonade.  I'd want to sit down with some friends, have a chat while we enjoy our lunch.  One guy would make jokes about race, and then we'd laugh but feel bad.  Another guy would probably eat soup, cause places that sell smoked turkey sandwiches also usually sell soup.  I've never been a big fan of the chowder & cream-style soups, but I like most things you can put crackers in.  No, that wasn't a reference to the race joke from earlier.  I mean crackers as in saltines or maybe those little oyster crackers you can buy.  I've never had actual oysters before, but they say that a lot of exotic seafood is a natural aphrodisiac.  So is lube.

==> I can't fucking wait for baseball to begin.

==> Just so you know....NBA GM's...

   +      =   

Jason Kidd Traded To Mets

It's time for something fresh.  I mean that in the honest sense of the word.  Out the oven.

I just got me-self a new iPod Touch.  It makes me feel accomplished and creative and worthy.  That's what tangible things are for, right?

So, what lie ahead:

1. A SERIOUS write-up about the NBA's second half.

2. A random review of some of the latest blog tracks to hit the internates.

3. More comedy.

4. Pictures of me with my iPod Terrch in various forms of sex.

5. A catphe myspace/facebook/match.com website?  (no)

6. Other.

Go get it Pau:

Wheel suck!

No, actually, your commercial suck.  Suck dick.

The Giants won.  But that's not the real story here.  The real story is that the Patriots lost.  That makes them (probably) the first team ever to go into a Super Bowl with a perfect record of 20-2 and LOSE!  So, Titans, Bucs, Giants...hold your helmets high!  You all stopped a perfect (pre)/reg/post season.

The ads.  Talked to Z tonight to see what I should blog about, and it only seems right that we discuss the Bud Light ads.

1. Bud Light "Ability To Breathe Fire".  Bud Light allows you to breathe fire?  Since when?  Seems kind of dangerous, as shown in the commercial itself.  What would've happened later if the guy had tried to kiss her "other" kitty?  (do you catch my drift of wind?).  Ouch indeed.

2. Bud Light "Cheese & Wine Party".  The guys hide their Bud Light bottles in various secret compartments (cheese wheel, baguette, ...).  I'm sure there was no need to hide the beer.  They were going to a party where alcohol was going to be served anyways.  I don't see the crime in bringing over a 6-pack of beer for yourself to drink.  Just tell your girlfriend that you don't like wine that much.  And then you can bring an ACTUAL wheel of cheese to enjoy while you drink beer.

3. Bud Light "Carlos Mencia Helps Losers Meet Girls".  This was just gay.

4. Bud Light "Wheel Suck".  This one is confusing.  a) How did the cavemen get ice?  From the looks of the commercial they seem to be in a very arid environment.  And a warm one to boots.  So, even if there was water present, it wouldn't be frozen.  Also, b) when was Bud Light invented?  I'm guessing probably not way back then.  So I was kind of surprised to see them with BOTH ice and Bud Light bottles.  But that's not even the worst part.  The caveman guy who invented the wheel?  He didn't take the time to explain to his friends that one wheel won't help accomplish the task of getting the ice & beer to the party at the top of the hill.  They need 2, and probably 3 or 4 wheels (as well as axles) to get it all to work properly.  So many errors.  Where is Bud Light's advertising quality control?  The ending is so true though.  That bottle opener do suck!

5. Bud Light "Ability To Fly".  This is halfway true.  If you drink enough Bud Light you might FEEL like you can fly.  That's just an after-effect of the alcohol on your mental comprehension and motor skills.  Or what it feels like when you jump off a hotel balcony after you've had too many.  Hey, it can happen.

DOUBLE STUFF RACING LEAGUE DUAL CHAMPIONSHIP 07 08

HAMMER BROTHERS FANTASY DUAL CHAMPIONSHIP 07 08

Eery...

Ringside Report

From our correspondent Ben Neitzel:

Desperate to be a Wolf Pack member, Disco Inferno tried a run-in. Goldberg Speared him out of the ring. Out of nowhere, Bam Bam Bigelow side-swiped the champ. Goldberg retaliated clotheslining Bigelow over the top rope and to the floor. Dressed as event security in a yellow T-shirt, Scott Hall climbed onto the ring apron. Meanwhile the referee admonished Bigelow and Disco. 

As Goldberg tried to pull Hall into the ring, the Lone Wolf zapped the champ with a shock stick (taser) to the chest and shoulders. Goldberg fell twitching to the mat. Unaware of Hall's interference, Nash scooped Goldberg off the canvass and completed a Jack Knife Powerbomb to win the WCW World Heavyweight Title. Goldberg convulsed on the arena floor as Nash raised the belt high.

Goldberg's Win Streak Ended in Stunning Fashion

Scott Hall stunned him with a taser.

I can do 8 pushups. How many can you do?

These are things I want to buy with my $600 check from the US government United States.

1. iPhone.  You can download computers onto those things.

2. Shoes.  Those are pretty nice ones.

3. 1990 Donruss Ken Griffey, Jr. baseball card.  Remember when we used to put these in our bicycle spokes?

4. A razor.  For shaving.

5. A ferret.  An especially cuddly pet to have around the house.

6. $1000 bill.  I figure if I can buy one of these, I'm showing some good investment skillz.

Heart-Healthy Tip: Don't Have Gotten Shot In Heart With Bullet

News and notes from a busy first month of Two Thousand and Ate.

The government said today that everyone's gonna get free money.  $600 worth of it.  That'll be nice for all sorts of people.  Gamblers can use it gamble the money.  Drug users can use it to buy more drugs to do.  Moms can use it to buy Jif and Kix, two mom-approved food items.  Personally, I think I might save up for a couple of these.

There's been a lot of finger-pointing when it comes to the war in Iraq, but there's been a WHOLE LOT MORE shooting and bombing.  Trust me.

Remember way back in 2002 when we all thought cars would be hovering to destinations, we'd have microchips in our bodies, and we would watch TV through a pair of glasses?  God, were we fucking wrong.

What's with the phrase "handle with kid gloves"?  It's supposed to mean "be gentle" or something, but it makes no sense.  Kids wear kid gloves.  They're usually clumsy and haven't developed coordination yet to handle such delicate matters.  I'd only assume that the gloves would make things even worse.  Now imagine you're a full-grown adult trying to wear kid gloves.  That's ridiculous.  The gloves don't fit, you must acquit, and whatever you try to grab would probably fall through your grip.  If something is a hot topic, I think it makes figurative sense to handle it with a hot pad or oven mit, similar items to gloves.  Why not handle the situation with lotion?  Lotion is typically soothing and heals dry skin.  Personally, if I were faced with such phrasing, I would change to "handle with towels".  Towels can act as a barrier from heat, they are big enough to deal with larger situations, are warm and soft when fresh out of the dryer, dry you off when you don't want to be wet anymore, lay underneath hot girls in bikinis on the beach, and come in all different colors.  So, seriously, next time your daughter comes home drunk, crying from a fight with her boyfriend, and threatening to run away from home, handle with towels, or ground her.

Double Stuff Racing League.

Finally, you shouldn't try and lynch Tiger Woods.  You should try and nicely ask him for golf tips.  He's smart about that.  Lynching only results in death, racial tension, murder trials, jail time, etc.  Take the high road (I-74 Eastbound) and be nice this time, ok?

Heath Ledger Autopsy Reveals Australian Lineage

What a depressing week so far, and it's only Tuesday.

1. The Bears got knocked out of the NFL playoffs.

2. The Oscars were announced this morning; and the biggest snub: The New Indiana Jones Movie.

3. Cloverfield is a horrible, horrible movie.  But I enjoyed it.  I thought it was cool.  

4. Temperatures in our area were below freezing.  That means you could've put a glass of water outside, and in the morning it would've been a GLASS OF ICE!  That's fucking cold!  That's like being inside a freezer.

5. The best player in the NBA basketball league is Ricky Davis, and he's not even trying anymore.  Trade him to a good team please.  Like San Antonio.  Straight up for Ginobli.  Same position almost.

And worst of all:

6. I found out they're re-releasing Michael Jackson's "Thriller" album in honor of the 25th anniversary if its debut.  That's nice, but the updates include remixes from will.i.am.  Gay.  It's just gay.  Stop it.

I hope a hurricane rolls through soon.  Since they go alphabetically, and alternate boy/girl, it should go like this:

Andre

Beatrice

Carl

Deanna

Erixander

Fraulein

Gerhardt

Hannah Montana

Ian

Jan

Karl

Lo

Marquez

Nancy

Oz

Placemat

Queer

Rosalina

Stud

Tracy

Ub´e

Valeriencia

Walter

X-ray

Yay!

Zach

2008!

San Francisco tiger attack ruled accidental, hilarious.

This year is lame so far.  Rex is about to make his way as a backup on some "other" team.  Bands I liked a year ago are showing up in car commercials and candy commercials.  The Tonebenders haven't played a live show in I don't know how long.  It's cold.  Eli beating Brady is the only thing possibly making watching the Super Bowl worthwhile.  Kobe is probably the only bright spot.  Silly rapester.

So that makes me want to make something.  Not another awesome TV show.  Not another awesome weblog.  Not another baby.

Music.

We have no talent, only a large batch of "better-than-you-idness" which can go far in this day and age (day = Sunday, age = 28).

Listen for it.  It's cumming.